Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Making Time

I'm not even going to act like I haven't blogged since July of last year.  Here's why...

Have you heard that saying, "It's not about HAVING time, it's about MAKING time"?  Recently, I have been repeating this over and over in my head.  I feel like I don't have the time to do the things I want to do.  I look at what I actually do, and I know that I could remove some things from my life and I wouldn't miss them.  Then I could make time for the things I want to do.  So simple, right?  What is holding me back?  The "what" was not difficult for me to figure out, but the "why am I not doing anything about it" is why I continued to struggle.

As you read here, my husband has a job.  He loves his job.  His schedule has been strenuous on our home life, due to his hours, and the inconsistency of his off days.  The schedule is about to change, and I will have to adjust again.  There will be consistency of off days, and I think the hours he will be at work will be better for our home life.  I have used this last eight or so months of the poor schedule as an excuse to not do a lot of things.  Not sticking to routines, not scheduling self care, etc.  It has not been healthy, and I have had much anxiety and lack of motivation.  Continuing on that path would be selfish of me, because there is a negative impact on our family.

My reason for making these excuses were simple:  fear. I hate change. A lot. I have done the same job for over 15 years.  I have received promotions here and there, offered by my employer.  Only recently did I receive a promotion that I finally asked for myself.  It has only been five months, and I still have anxiety over the new responsibilities I have. I stayed in a (REALLY) bad relationship/marriage for thirteen years because I was afraid of change. Even if I think something is going to be a positive change, it takes me a long time to take the leap.  Attempting to take care of myself and creating new routines within the inconsistent schedule was very overwhelming to me.  It was scary.  What if I tried something and it didn't work?  This was a stressful concept, and I didn't want to add more stress, so we just limped along, status quo.  I was fearing change so much, that I chose to remain unhealthy over attempting to make an improvement.

What needs to change is that I need to stop allowing that fear to overcome my actions.  Leo Buscaglia said, "Change is the end result of all true learning."  I am a champion of learning.  I have started viewing my failures as an opportunity to learn and improve.  Something that has helped me to see this is yoga.  One of my best friends started getting into yoga.  I had dabbled in yoga before, and decided to pick it up again, following in her footsteps.  The first thing we did was participate in an Instagram yoga challenge.  One of the first few poses in the challenge was one I had never heard of, but it was doable, and I still felt comfortable.  After about ten days, the pose was some pretzel thing with your legs, while standing on your head.  And then I realized what I had gotten myself into.  I thought I knew yoga because I googled some simple poses years ago at a time when I needed some peace in my life.  I thought it would be the same experience this time...namaste and shit.  Nope.  But I wasn't going to quit.  I wanted to continue doing something that I told my friend I would do with her.   We were having fun!

What happened when I sucked at yoga?  My friends supported me.  I expressed my true feelings and was vulnerable about how much I hated it.  Nobody stopped loving me because I was bad at a yoga pose.  We have also had some REALLY great laughs about falling on our faces and the ridiculousness of some of the poses.  My daughter loves doing yoga with me every day.  She's four.  She can't do most of the poses.  It is a way for us to bond.  We laugh together when we fall over.  She makes up her own poses.  The other two kids jump in and try sometimes.  My husband, too!  He is pretty good at handstands.  Something I may not have known, had I not tried this.

I have a desire to learn the pose, so I keep practicing it.  Two weeks later, I'm not not able to do it.  But I'm trying.  I see my friend being really good at poses I can't do.  It makes me jealous.  It makes me want to learn how to do them.  It also makes me really impressed and proud of her.  It makes me humbled.  When I am successful at this pose, she will celebrate with me.  What an amazing cycle!

I am realizing that because I fear feeling poorly for just a second because I might not be good at something, I have been missing out on some even more incredible experiences.  Success, celebration, laughter, the ability to overcome, determination, dedication, and passion, are all important things to experience in life.  By offering a simple invitation of yoga, my friend has opened my eyes and my world to a new line of thinking.  Am I going to be open to failing at every new opportunity presented to me?  Probably not.  But I will be up for considering a lot more than I ever would have before this experience.  Thank you, Mal.

Self admitted, I am stubborn and not always open to listening to others.  I always think, 'I am sooooo healthy because I'm aware of my faults.  Most people don't even admit their faults to themselves!'  That is true, to a point.  What is not healthy, is just accepting those faults as 100% incurable, or expect them to always be tolerated by others.  If you are like me, you may not be open to accepting any portion of my story as your own truth.  That worked for her, but it wouldn't work for me.  That's okay.  You will find your own path in your time.  I would suggest, though, taking one risk this week.  Even if it is as simple as driving a different way to work, ordering something different at Starbucks, or trying a new yoga pose.

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